


i feel marooned in this body (deserted, my organs can go on without me)

by screaminginternally



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Female Tony Stark, Gen, Hulk is a Big Kid, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), She's the best, Toni loves the avengers and also kinda hates them too, also post infinity war, and deserves better, but it barely comes up so w/e, friendship and angst sure do taste good together dont they, mostly i'm building off of rayshippouuchiha's The Bearing of Iron, she also does everything for these assholes and she'd appreciate it if they could acknowledge that, toni's bitter, which is why this is gifted to her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-04-05 09:11:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14040933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screaminginternally/pseuds/screaminginternally
Summary: Post Thor: Ragnarok, what would Toni's friendship with Bruce and Hulk look like?(this is built entirely off of The Bearing of Iron by Rayshippouuchiha, so you should probably read that too. also because its a great fic)





	1. Hulk

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RayShippouUchiha](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RayShippouUchiha/gifts).



It's after they get the Asgardians settled, after the so-called Mad Titan Thanos attacks, and his attempted never-ending _infinity war_ , and they've started on rebuilding everything destroyed and after, after, after.   


Toni walks into the Compound garden to see the giant-sized alter ego of one Dr Bruce Banner sitting beneath one of the enormous trees in the garden. Usually, the presence of Hulk in a place as quiet, as delicate, as the garden might make Toni a little wary of something being accidentally crushed, but why the fuck. It's after midnight, no-one's around, Toni's tired, and there isn't much in the vicinity that can't be replaced.   


She walks towards the big guy with footsteps as loud as bare feet can manage, letting him know she's there. Hulk's eyes flick towards her, and he huffs a breath. 

  


"Tin Girl." He's calm. Doesn't seem to care.

"Hey, big guy." Toni gives the idea maybe half a second's worth of doubt, then decides it doesn't matter - she pulls her elastic from the bun her hair is in, rolling the tie down her wrist and letting her heavy, curly hair fall messily to her shoulders. Hulk isn't going to care. She can be vulnerable with him. "Can I sit with you?"

"Okay."   


Hulk is resting his bulk against the giant maple that had been around since Howard first bought the facility that became the Compound, the tree a perfect height and width that Hulk can sit upright without bumping his head on any branches. Toni parks herself against his bulk, close enough to touch. Hulk's blood runs warm, good for a cool night like this.

   
"Can I ask you something?" She keeps her voice quiet. She doesn't want to ruin the peace.

"Stupid Banner is fine. Hulk said he could come back out later." 

"Well, that's . . nice to hear." Not the answer she was expecting, but . . comforting? Toni guesses. She likes that Bruce and Hulk find themselves able to get along a bit more now, now that everything's less of a disaster. 

  


(Ross is in jail for a life sentence – turns out trying to authorise death warrants on international soil without the OK from the appropriate higher-ups in those other countries is a capital offence – especially when the person on the receiving end turns out to be innocent. There's no one else that was ever really gunning for Bruce and Hulk. They're safe now.)

  


 Still, she does have a question she wants to know an answer to. "I was actually wondering about you, Big Green."

Hulk gives her his full attention, now. 

"You said you fought people on Sakarr. You were happy there. But you can't go back now." Hulk's face doesn't change, but his eyes do. In them, Toni sees almost nothing but sadness, but the bitter, resigned kind. "Do you think you'll miss it?"

"Hulk already miss it. Hulk not miss Earth, or people, or people trying to hurt Hulk. Sakarr good – people like Hulk there. People happy to see Hulk. Cheer him. But Hulk missed Tin Girl. Tin Girl's smile. Hulk not like Earth. Not people, not bangs that hit Hulk like pebbles and noises that hurt Hulk's ears. Banner like Earth. Banner not allowed Sakaar – Banner try to leave where Hulk was happy. Banner and Thor leave Sakaar where Hulk was happy." 

That just makes Toni's heart _ache_. "I'm sorry."

Hulk just huffs. "Not Toni's fault. Toni always happy to see Hulk. Toni only one ever happy to see Hulk. Earth Banner's fault."

For the first time, Toni doesn't have anything to say to Hulk. Any other time before this, she could've come up with a litany of things to say but this . . nothing. Not that it matters, Hulk keeps talking like this is the only chance he'll ever have to get it all out.

"Toni only one that likes Hulk and Banner both. Toni makes play room for Hulk, lets Hulk have fun. Before Tin Girl, Hulk never have fun. Banner only let Hulk out when hurt, and Hulk get hurt. Hulk only ever scared and hurt and angry before Stupid Banner meet Toni. Toni first to make Banner let Hulk out and not hurt for Hulk."

Oh, now that just makes her want to _cry_. "I just wanted to see you in your element. Without anything that could upset you. That's why I made you the play room."

"Toni good friend." Hulk _smiles_  at her now, a sweet grin she'd bet never gets used enough. He brings his big hand over her and rests it on her head, as gentle as anything. God, she wishes everyone could see him in this moment. Everything between her and Bruce is tinged with awkwardness now, the specter of Ultron and his lost time and the Accords hanging over their heads that they can't be what they were. There's awkward silences, stuttering movements when there was once smooth connection. There's nothing like that with Hulk. Hulk doesn't care about it, doesn't – _never –_ know about Toni's past, how bad she is. Hulk just likes her because she tries to make him happy. If only anyone else could like her for that, maybe the leaden weight on her lungs could lighten, maybe she'd be able to _breathe_. 

Hulk's big hand is stroking through her hair, loose around her shoulders, as softly and gently as Rhodey does when they're alone. She's nothing but vulnerable in this moment.

Toni's always found a reason to be comfortable in vulnerability when it's just her and Hulk. He won't hurt her, not purposefully. He doesn't even seem to know how.

Toni closes her eyes, her head resting on Hulk's knee, his big hand gently stroking her loose hair.

"Hulk's a good friend too. The best friend."


	2. Bruce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will give Marvel my left arm in exchange for Tony to be allowed to be happy. Also, if I could have a Tony that knows he deserves better and stops being used as a damn doormat, I'd really appreciate it. Because I love narratives that have a character once used as a doormat asserting that, hey, they don't deserve to be treated like this, you're all gonna cut it the fuck out, cause I'm not taking it any more. 
> 
> Toni's a bit meaner towards Bruce in this than Hulk because while he is her science bro, he did throw her under the bus with the whole Ultron thing, and I'm writing her as having gone through an internal "enough". So she isn't taking much shit anymore and is laying down the law on how people are allowed to treat her. She isn't mean towards Hulk, because she knows Hulk would Never and I'm writing Hulk as something of a morality pet- she can be vulnerable and tender towards him in ways she can't with anyone else, not even Bruce. She's been hurt from everything, and those bruises are still sore. She might hate herself (Ray's kinda writing her like that), but she's allowed to put her foot down on how people treat her. 
> 
> If I don't get at least a little bitter!Tony in Infinity War I'm suing Marvel.

Bruce doesn't know where to begin to earn Toni back. Her favour, her good graces, whatever. Ultron, everything around it, the way he acted - he doesn't know how to make it up to her. He can only kind of comprehend how the years ( _years? It still only feels like months for him_ ) have affected her. 

 

He hasn't been told much about what happened – the United Nations had drafted up legislation to regulate the Avengers, so that they would follow the actual _laws_  in the world, so that when they messed up, the Avengers would actually face consequences* (why would Steve see something wrong with that?) Of course, is _Thaddeus Ross_  was the one official presenting the Accords to him, he's not surprised that the knee-jerk reaction was 'no'. Anyone sane gets a gut reaction to Ross that's generally 'get him and anything he's in favour of away from me', but why didn't Steve at least _read_  the Accords? The mess in Sokovia was the linchpin to push them forward, but apparently the Accords had been in the works well before. Surely the Accords had an actual point? 

 

Toni said there was something about more Winter Soldiers from HYDRA, but why would Steve think he couldn't convince Toni to help? Why not tell her what the problem was?  

 

Bruce had been sickened to hear that Maximoff had been made an Avenger, as irrelevant as it was in the situation now. Didn't anyone remember what she's done? She'd willingly signed up for HYDRA. She'd done _something_  to Toni, to make her so paranoid, so _scared_ , that she thought Ultron was a good idea, that a "suit of armour around the Earth" was a terrifying prospect. Bruce doesn't remember much about what Maximoff had done to him, but Hulk did. Hulk remembered the uncontrollable _rage_  and _hate_ , taken out on people that screamed and buildings that fell, and the anger and destruction that Hulk felt ashamed of in hindsight. Everything about Johannesburg was sickening in hindsight – the city, those people, had done _nothing_  to deserve the Hulk's actions. Bruce didn't remember much of it, the destruction, but he'd seen the footage since he'd come back to Earth. And he remembered Maximoff, the _witch_ , and how she'd done something to him, to make him that angry, that destructive.  

 

And then she'd been made an Avenger? Steve had protected her, and then Clint had convinced her to leave the Compound, when she'd thrown a bomb into a building and killed twelve people and people were baying for her blood? And yet _Maximoff_  was given more consideration than Toni?  

 

Bruce was inclined to hate the so-named Rogue Avengers for Maximoff alone. 

 

And yet, Toni had worked so hard to get them pardons, to allow Steve's 'team' back into America, back into the good graces of the international government anyway. They'd all betrayed her, in some form or another, all of them, and yet. She kept trying. 

 

Bruce remembers the fear and pain that shone in her eyes during Ultron. The hurt after the Mandarin. Toni has suffered the worst with the Avengers in her life. She's a better person than he is by far, that she's still reaching. Or she's Sisyphus, Tantalus, forever trying for something just out of reach**.  

 

Bruce doesn't know why she tries. He would've given up a long time ago, in her shoes.   
 

* * *

 

Bruce finds her in her lab, not working on anything. Just staring at the wall, at the Captain America poster on the wall. There's a crack in the middle of the glass case, over the white star. The spider-web crack splinters the rest of the image. A line cuts right through Steve's smile. 

 

Toni isn't so much _staring_ at it, as she is _glaring_  at it. Bruce can't help but think that if Toni had injected herself with the kind of Extremis that had made people explode and breathe fire, her glare would have burned up the poster. 

 

"Is this a habit for you now?" He asks. 

 

"It is when I feel like being angry and bitter. Stare at Steve's mug until I no longer want to smash in his fucking teeth. Again." 

 

"Does it work?" 

 

"I'll let you know." 

 

"Was that what caused the crack?" 

 

"Butterfingers, actually. When I told the bots what happened in Siberia, Butterfingers felt like expressing how all the bullshit made him feel. Given the chance, he probably would've done the same to Steve's actual face." 

 

Bruce sucks in his lips, folding the skin over his teeth. What do you say to that? Fuck it. He might as well be blunt. 

 

"I'm sorry, Toni." 

 

Toni turns to him, her face passive, her eyes glowing slightly. "For what?" 

 

"Not being there for you. Not listening to you, about Thanos, about the Mandarin. Not trying to understand why you were so scared. I was a shitty friend to you. I'm sorry for that." 

 

"Okay." Bruce can't read her face. He can't tell if she's bitter or upset or what. 

 

"Is . . is there anything I can do to try and earn you back? Earn back what we had? I've - I've never had a friend like you before, Toni, you know that. And I was a bad friend. I don't know if there's anything I could ever do to make it up to you, but. I want to. Just. Tell me what." It's the best he can manage. 

 

"Make it up to me?" Toni's lip curls a little. Not quite a snarl, but bitter nonetheless. " You want to make it up to me? The years of dismissed stress and fear? The numerous times I tried to mention, hey guys, remember how I _saw what was on the o_ _ther_ _side of the portal_ _?_ Hey guys, guess what? The Chitauri army was a lot bigger than you ever saw, and we know Loki wasn't working alone, so there's probably something somewhere in space that'll definitely come back and attack? Maybe we should prep for that, y'know? Have a plan of some kind. Nah, Toni, you all said, nothing like that could _ever happen_ , no need. Or how about when I tried to tell you about the Mandarin, and how Killian's bullshit put Happy in the hospital and blew up my _fucking house_ and almost killed Pepper and Rhodey and you _fell asleep when I started talking_? I was trying to tell you that hey, maybe the traumatic things that happen to me have fucked me up a little and I'd appreciate a friend to listen to me, given that I can't trust a fucking therapist not to be bribed by someone to tell my deepest secrets and mental state? Because that shit's happened to me before and now I have fucking trust issues, so maybe because you weren't there you could just hear me out? That kind of crappy friendship? You wanna _make it up to me_?" Venom oozed from Toni's words.  

 

"Fine. Make it up to me. Help me. Help me try to fix what's been broken. And please, for the love of Thor, just _trust_ that I'm _trying_. I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to fix things. I'm trying-" Toni was almost gasping out her words, the anger on her face clear as the day. "I'm _trying_ to save the world, to fix shit, even though fuck knows most of the people I try to help don't deserve my time or effort." 

 

She wasn't breathing hard, Toni was barely breathing at all, and her next words came out as a whisper.  

 

"You help me, Bruce. When I ask you your opinion, your ear and to sit in with me on the Accords Council and to help me try and protect this fucking planet from itself and everything else. Show me that I can trust you not to hurt me again. Then – then I'll consider trying to trust you again." 

 

Bruce breathed deep. "Okay. Okay, I can try." 

 

Toni wrinkled her nose. Her red-lipped mouth curled into a line of disgust. "That's all I ever ask. That way I know exactly how much effort people will have when they let me down." 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *so I'm australian, and the idea of accords in place to curtail one particular country from barging onto foreign soil without consequences seems like a good idea to me. I don't know where the idea that the Sokovian accords were All Tony Stark's Fault and Idea(TM) has manifested from, but Team America: World Police (which, lets not lie, is totally was MCU Avengers are) is terrifying to me. A superpowered team that can just go from country to country, fucking everything up and not facing consequences for it? No thank you. Accords all the way. I think the main anti-Accords sect of fandom is because either a)they hate Tony, b)Thaddeus Ross was the character brought forward to present them, and Ross as a character is a hate sink so therefore Accords Suck On Principle or c)Somehow fandom thinks that Tony was the One And Only Mastermind of the Accords and If He Just Said No Then The Accords Won't Be A Thing And Therefore Civil War Was All His Fault which. Is not how laws work. 
> 
> **There's a post-CW fic called 'Sleep Sisyphus, Guard Your Star' on Ao3 by Diomedes, and it's incredible. Read it. Read it read it read it. It captures Tony's mentality utterly perfectly, while also giving a new spin on what Tony could have been thinking. Also, it might make you cry.

**Author's Note:**

> So Hulk in Ragnarok is just a giant kid, and I loved him in it. Also, if you had the mentality of a child, you definitely wouldn't like only ever interacting with the world when the world is trying to hurt you.
> 
> The friendship with Toni is built totally off of The Bearing of Iron by Rayshippouuchiha, so if you want more of this you should read that. It's great.  
> Honestly, whenever I write Marvel stuff, maybe everyone should assume that I springboarded the idea from reading someone else's much better work.
> 
> I'm gonna write up a second chapter from Bruce's pov, because his feelings about Toni are a bit more muddled than Hulk's are.


End file.
